I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
