My Higher Power is John Stamos
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ketchup is God's man juice
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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