ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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