i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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