Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
