I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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