I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
