I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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