I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
