she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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