he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
