grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
