I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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