She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
