You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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