my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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