Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
