what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
