I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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