So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
so let's talk penis.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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