i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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