I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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