hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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