I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
