sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
