i just sent this text using only my big toe
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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