Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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