its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
