he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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