but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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