I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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