I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
