i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
