I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize