is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is the high leading the old right now
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize