Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
