Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
babies were throwing up all over the place
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
