On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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