So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
