I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
