I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
