"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
