It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
if only i could text you this smell
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
