Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this just has baby written all over it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
