im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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