WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
