I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
