If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
