don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
