i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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