I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
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I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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