i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
