I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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