I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
