my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
