The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I will be naked everywhere
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
