yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
