Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
